The last eight days of my life I am confident to say, have made me feel extremely vulnerable. A few factors contribute to this heightened emotional state I have been in and will continue to be in for some days to come.
The first strong feelings I had of vulnerability were present in the hospitals having my clothes literally ripped off my body by multiple doctors. There were at least five strangers hovering over me probing and prodding every inch of my entirely exposed body in a panic stricken, brightly lit EMERGENCY ROOM.
Those feelings inside of me continued once I was out of the ER; lying completely horizontal, barely able to sip a glass of water, having zero capability of dressing myself. I won’t continue in detail but all I will say is I that I’m a girl, a girl with a small bladder… That was yet another painful experience, one filled with vulnerability.
At home now, sleeping in my own bed and being around my family, the vulnerability has subsided tremendously in this familiar environment I truly cherish, yet has sky rocketed in so many other ways. Having to wear this claustrophobic brace 24 hours a day is a struggle for me. I am though, very confident in saying I have MASTERED incorporating the ‘wiggle n wiggle n wiggle yeah’ (thanks to LMFAO) into my frustrating daily routine of clothing myself. I wiggle around on my back lying on my bed and in 3 minutes I am dressed! I realised the other day that the most unfamiliar factor of these heightened emotions I am experiencing was the constant dosage of VICODIN that is in my system.
For a day last week, I tried not taking my medication because I awoke without the regular pain I was used to greeting each morning. I cleaned my room, bending over and over, and sent some emails. The pain in the base of my neck progressively became worse, climaxing into a searing hot throbbing pain that would not dissipate. I took my pills, laid down on my couch and completely broke down in tears. Reading texts from some friends who were trying to make me feel better on my phone made it worse. I cried more. Internal affirmation finally clicked in and I remember telling myself that I had actually, truly, broken my neck and my back. I hadn’t just taken a tumble on my skis I normally bounce back from after a day of recovery. I told myself I needed to rest, be smart and focus on the small steps that one needs to take in order to over come injury, and stay on top of my medication.
I am glad I am aware of this now. I had an extremely exciting talk with my mental skills coach Brent Hogarth. We chatted about many aspects of psychology, the process of rehab and healing being a major topic of our discussion: how we will create a plan so I can cope, learn, grow, strengthen and evolve from this injury. I am honoured and very excited to work with Brent and incorporate positive affirmations into my thought process. We will come up with physical cues to replace potentially negative thought patterns, with the necessary positive thinking that is crucial to healing, daily intentions, and other various forms of meditation.
Vulnerability is a powerful emotion.